Saturday, 21 May 2016

Another baby really?

We decide over 8 months ago to try for another child, we didn't announce to family or friends, only a couple of close friends or the newer friends I've made at school pick up know (ill explain later why) If we are blessed to conceive it will be our 3rd child but 4th child for my husband.
We are looking forward to this next chapter in our lives
However, not everyone may shared in our joy.
“Don’t you have enough to do, hasn't your son got Autism?”
“Your kidding right?”
“Can you guys even afford another?”
“This couldn’t have been planned, right?”
“Wow, ok. Did you even want another kid?”
This is what we may hear................Still, whatever the reasoning, the criticism won’t catch us completely off-guard. In fact, it was something we had grown use to , with each of our other children we got this kind of reaction or mixed feelings.
When we told family about our first pregnancy, they just looked at us. Saying were too young and had our whole life ahead of us , like our life was over.  We had been planning the wedding. (which we had when I was 5mths along before I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress lol )
It seemed better with our 2nd as we had moved inter-state away from all family to start fresh, we didn't have to hear their comments only the ' you got to be kidding' and 'oh really oh well' from both our parents but it seems 'ok' as the thinking was our daughter will have a sibling to play with so that's normal traditional family planning right?.
Then you have my husband who had a child before I came along which doesn't live with us, that's 4 for him.
I have over the last couple of years brought up the subject with my family of a 3rd child. It seemed that people mostly mine & my husbands family just couldn’t get why we would want three children. The biggest thing for them to seem to juggle with is the fact we had a 7 year gap between our children, then I would be talking about a 3rd child 4 years after my last child.
It was like they seen us as DONE. Finished. Its been to long between children so you must be all done with that part of your life. So after a while we stopping bringing it up with family & close friends, another year went past and maybe we pushed it away partly because of all this but life went on all the same.

My maternal instincts would kick in when I cuddled a newborn at a party about a year ago, most of the time me & my husband didn't have the chance to be around any babies or children other then our 6 year old son & his friends. I came home upset & told my husband I wanted another child, guess what he had wanted one still also but was worried I didn't ,so he kept quiet.
So we are at the fun part my husband would call it of trying to conceive , not all fun and games for me as it comes with the worry that it won't happen or can't happen.
And then I have the age thing, once you hit 35 you move into other category as the doctor put it.
The level of risk get higher. Risk of something going wrong with me or the baby so that means extra tests and a whole new ball game for me this time around as my body is not what it use to be.
Even know I had 'normal' pregnancies and health babies in the past it's still a worry.
So back to the not telling people, well its never been like a scene out of a lovely movie where the grandparents jump up & hug you screaming with joy for us.
Both our parents have hurt me and my husband with their replies when we have told them of important things happening in our lives.
It hurts and we are both not looking forward to that happening again.
I have talked to a couple of my friends about our plans, people that we have meet here in our now hometown of 6 years & a close friend of mine who wishes now she had another child before it was to late for her.
Maybe its the country air but they all seem to have a laid back thinking that if its what we want it must be right and telling them we want more just seems lovely to them, its nice.
I really don't understand where the other peoples hurtful reactions come from, we are great parents, loving couple and I had to learn to let that go because if I keep trying to work others out I will go insane.
So yes they will find out when it is not possible to avoid anymore, but I will be guarded.
I'm guessing I will still get hurt by family this is something maybe this time around I won't stand for.
Taking all that out of the equation it is still 9 months of carrying to term, discomfort,  fatigue while trying to still work, my hormones will drive me and my husband crazy and after all that I will have this little person who will need me more then anyone. While I recover from the roller coaster of the last 9 month.
I feel like I haven't sleep since before my son started growing inside me almost 7 years ago, as he still has trouble going to sleep at night & wakes often during the night.
Yes I worry how me, my husband and my other two children at home will survive , how this next chapter in our lives will play out. But I look back on all the crazy life changes we have had and guess what ? we survived that.
I see we are in for a few more years of buying endless baby supplies, poos and screams.
 More sleepless nights & the house looking like a big baby bomb went off.
Are we really ready to go down this road again I ask myself sometimes, in those moments my son is screaming because he wants something and my teenager is sulking in her room.
Then I find myself sitting in those quiet times, the times I can hear my heart calling me. It reminds me of the joy I feel creating another wonderful soul to live as part of our family.
Breaking down that roller coast ride into different turns, dips and corners. Remembering the smiles, laughs, warm hugs.
Its like a gentle reminder, I'm not done yet. I feel like I have been on pause. There is a part of my heart ready to give. I remember looking at my little girl almost 14 years ago thinking 'there is no way I can love anyone or anything as much as I love you' I felt full, wonderfully I found out yes I could love another just as son and now I know there is more love to give.
It's amazing how us humans work isn't it.

Of course would I love a bigger bank balance . Would I love a bigger house and I would love to travel without the baby carrier, cot, bottles, bags and stress of course.
I love my peaceful days when the kids are at school and I can get all the house work done, I have studied and gain better jobs. My life could be just starting again with older children and all this baby stuff behind me but you know what ? when I think of that I feel very lonely, not for me now left sitting at home waiting for the kids to come but lonely for the world, sad that another life could be here with us but has yet been given the chance.

There will be a time in my life to slow down, to be in a quiet house and when that time comes I will be ready. I am not ready yet.
I want a house full . FULL.
When I am old sitting in my nursing home room I want to be able to say I filled my life.
I filled my life with love, laughter, crying, stress, fun, heartbreak, worry, joy and know that I gave it my all.
Take the good with the bad they say.
Well I say just Take life! Don't end up sitting in that nursing home room with no one visiting, no one to call, no memories to look back on.
And if we do it right we will have those children calling us, visiting us and loving us for many many years to come xxx

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