I don't need a husband to fix that

So I've been out doing stuff around the yard.  Poisoning, cleaning the caked on crud from under my mower, re-potting water lilies.  All the while thinking about this theory of mine.  You don't have to agree, you don't have to comment, it's just my opinion.  Back in the old days man worked, woman stayed home and did housework, cared for children, sewed, cooked, whatever.  Man came home to cooked meal on the dinner table blah blah.  He did yard work on weekends etc etc.  Saved, bought a house with a picket fence and a brand new car. Now as times have changed we evolve and continue to evolve.  Men AND women work.  Houses are too expensive.  Kids are too expensive.  Everything's too expensive.  Everyone works and gets nowhere.  Suddenly families don't work anymore.  Men still work but they don't come home to home cooked meals anymore.  They come home to tired cranky wives and screaming children.  The men aren't happy the wives aren't happy the children aren't happy.  The wife asks the man 30 times to take out the garbage before getting fed up and doing it herself. He calls it nagging.  She realises that if she's going to do everything herself why does she need him? The marriage breaks up.  The woman takes everything (or so he says) including the kids. And she manages to do everything on her own and in fact she's still doing everything she was doing before but feels like one less kid to look after and nag.  Man feels un-needed, un-wanted. Woman feels liberated and swears to never rely on man again.  Very sad. And I don't really get why men like to feel needed.  Like you need them around to do stuff (even though when you ask them to do stuff they never do! Hence the nagging!) If I want a guy around its because I WANT him around not because I need him to do stuff for me.  I can do all my own stuff thank you (and thanks google for all the stuff I don't know how to do haha) But yeah I'm one of those independent chicks because well every time I've relied on some one they've let me down.  So I rely on myself, best decision ever. I don't wanna feel like I'm helpless and useless. I got me.  Not to say that if a guy wants to help I wouldn't let him.  He just better know that I won't beg his ass to stick around if things go sour. I'll just get on with things without him.
PS Before you scream feminist I don't really see myself as a feminist.  I am who I am because of what I have experienced.

Do you have a secret life ?

Do you have a secret life? Do you have a part of your life that not many people know about?
Would your husband know, would the other mums at high school fundraiser know?
I think all of us want to have a secret life that goes along side of our normal life. Like being superman or maybe cat women
Even if not in reality we do in our daydreams.
Have'nt you sat there at traffic lights daydreaming about a holiday on your own or  you drive past this young women carefree riding a bike past you and think about what your life would be like if you took her place? It's all the same thing isn't it?  Day dreaming about a differant life or daydreaming about that man you seen yesturday & what your afternoon could be like with him.
Of yes we are going to go there, so if you are not up for a bit of sexy thinking or feel you cant handle weighing up the pros and cons about cheating on your partner maybe skip this blog post....

I know a couple of people who have either open marriages or have cheated on their partners. Everyone has a story and with that story comes many reasons why someone finds something in someone other then their partner (for this post husband)
I may not agree or understand some things these women do and i know I don't know what is going on in their marriages - relationship so why should i judge them?
Hearing about their lives and what i would call their stories is so interesting , it doesn't fill me with disgust or hate but understanding and sometimes sadness because it can be a dangerous game to play.
Game , wow did i just call cheating on your husband as a game ? Maybe that's not the right word but you hear it all the time don't you? Like tv shows and movies who make it seem so fun or thrilling but that is not always the case when peoples hearts are involved . When real people are involved.

Many say you can be married to the one you love but still find fun and thrill with someone you don't love.
 Some also say you can love two people at once. What do you think? Maybe its safer to keep it all as a day dream


So would you know if the lady next to you that you have chatted with often is having an affair? Would she know if you where?  One of the ladies i mentioned above lives a secret life, you wouldn't know by looking at her. It looks like she is happily marriages and is a happy confident woman. Which she will tell you she is & all became true once she found a man that made her feel wanted & happy, the thing is that man is not her husband.
Now i wish i could tell you his a horrible man who treats her like a dog but this is not the case. She will tell you he is a loving husband & great Father. Works hard while providing or his family. She loves him and they have a mostly normal marriage, the problem she will say is that it is too normal
And i get that. I understand that as i too have that feeling of a normal marriage sometimes umm only sometimes as my husband has Asperger so normal doesn't always stay for long.

Anyway so she has this normal marriage right, he works nights then comes home puts his clothes in the washing machine and goes to bed. Next she gets up gets the kids to school and goes to do some shopping or visit family. She cleans the house as her husband doesn't do any of that but what male really does? She works part time which she likes and where she became friends with a man .
For a women who has no male friends i do understand what she talks about when she tells us other women who will listen & not judge her, its different when you have a friend who is a man when you have been marriage so long in which all males around you are either gay or married to a friend.
Having a male as a friend can be wonderful I have heard and i am not saying you can not be friends with the opposite sex but for married women we don't get many single straight men wanting to be friends
Oh and this is not good example of that as these two became more the just friends. So hearing how he makes her feel, well it just takes my breath away & I feel a bit on the naughty side just hearing her talk about the affair that I can see how someone can get carried away down that path.
He makes her feel wanted that's what her first words were. Wanted. I guess every woman wants to be wanted. This is a a few words from her; Quotes by permission
` he listens to me like really hears what i am saying and we can talk, like real adults just talk together. Thats worth more then anything else we do together. Really if we had to stop all our physical connections sure i would miss that stuff but if we could still be friends and talk over a coffee that wouldnt be so bad. `.
`i can turn up to his place and he will greet me with a smile `how are you ?` a kiss on the lips a hand on the neck .Do you know how nice that feels? ` He wants to hear me talk, he wants to look up from his book and look me in the eye while I talk, why wouldnt I like that`
` when he ask if i want to spend time with him i know he really wants to, he really like seeing me and touching me. To have a man stop everything seek me out and plan something to do with me is wonderful`
`its not just sex because really i would be happy with kissing and hugging, the feeling of an arm around me is wonderful but i do know he wants the sex . At my age sex is not hot & heavy like the tv shows but it is enjoyable mostly because of the thrill the naughty passion that over takes your emotions that makes your skin shutter `
` i dont love this man and i dont like everything about him as im sure he doesn't like everything about me. He does not have to. We both have needs and we both talked about this which is another thing i get from this affair funny that isn't it?   Even talking about the situation is a good thing which by the way we only done once to set some ground rules as we are both practical people `
`my marriage is good.It is normal with normal fights over money or him not helping out around the house and i do love him . And i am the first to admit yes what  i am getting from another man is what i should be getting from my husband. Maybe after 20 years of marriage i have given up with thinking he will change or that we can change. Why not just go find it myself and then come home happy to my husband? I am a better wife and better woman when i am happy......... this is what makes me happy. For now anyway`
So do you hate this woman? Or do you understand her?
I understand her maybe because i want to feel better then her because i know i have those day dreams but have not acted on them or maybe because i want to act on them and live a secret life but dont have the balls to do it. Am I worried that any or all of the 3 hearts involved in this will get hurt , yes.
I keep thinking about what if my husband found out how much it would hurt him . I asked her this question and all she could say is that she try's not to think about it and she is doing the best she can with her life that she can at the moment.
And you know what maybe thats all any of us are doing, the best we can at the moment .
:)  

I'm a mum without a village are you?

The phrase “It takes a village” Have you heard that before?
Its a proverb exists in different forms in many African languages.

                               'It takes a whole village to raise a child. '

 The basic meaning is that child's upbringing is a communal effort. The responsibility for raising a child is shared with the larger family (sometimes called the extended family). Everyone in the family participates especially the older children, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and even cousins.
 I know what it means, I've just never had it for my children.
I've seen many movies and TV shows that would make me wish I lived inside the TV. All the big family parties, dinners around a large table with all the babies playing together. Cousins, siblings & friends.
I know what my child is missing because I had that. 30 years ago things where different I think its safe to say families where different.
We had no devices, kids looked up from the TV,  we all had families with a couple of kids early on in our lives so the family dynamics where different to now. I grew up with big family BBQs and running around playing with my cousins even know we lived hours away from them I seen them often.
Another saying that comes to mind is
                                  ' You don't know what you got until its gone'
I miss what my family use to be like but now we all live hours away from each other, the great grandparents are gone and I am the only one in my family who has young children as all my cousins had children before me they are now teenagers plus.
The "village" is your support network. It doesn't have to be family but its people in your life that help, care for you & your child. It's another family who are willing to have your kid over for an afternoon who see that your child needs dinner before going home so just does it.
 It's a friend who comes over for a cuppa only to end up washing your dishes while you have a shower & watch bub.  It's someone you can confide, share your worries with and you don't feel judged. It's people you can count on to answer the phone in the middle of the night because you someone to watch your child while you take the other to the hospital . That's your village.
I have with both my children ended up in tears sitting on the floor wondering where my village was :(
In those first years of motherhood life can be scary, I can see how a village would help.
 I have many times heard mothers talk about how over worked they are, that they don't get time with their husband, how they don't get to go out & do anything to relax..... and I start to relate to them. Talk a little about how its hard being a parent and then the classic bombshell comes out of their mouth "yer my parents only have them once a fortnight" or the " if it wasn't for my sister having them after school I don't know what I would do'  are you kidding me??
 I just smile & let them continue, there is no point in trying to get them to see my point of view they don't get it They have a village, they wont understand.
I tried once to bring it up with a mum at playgroup, she acted all caring but didn't get it you could tell. She was planning her 4th child & I could see how having a 4th didn't worry her because she was going to get meals brought over by loved ones, friends family coming over to help clean or watch bub, friends who can have the other children while she went shopping, if she is sick her husbands parents can have the kids when hubby is at work plus her husband is a good help around the house - lets not get me started on my loving but bad housekeeping husband. Of course she can have lots of kids she has a village.
 

Me & my husband have gone 12 months without being together without at least one child with us. 

We would each go outside of the house separate while the other has the kids but never in that 12months and again off and on over the last 14 years have we been out just him & me no children.  

I couldn't even imagine two nights away without children, maybe my heart couldn't handle it anyway.  

I admit, I want to slap that mum who tells me life is hard with only a handful of people in her life who she can ask for help.
My first child I was young , had lots of childless friends, no family in town & my husband family didn't want to offer much help so I know what I am talking about.
 Same again with 2nd child .My husband and I had just moved to a new state and didn't have many friends. We didn't have a village; we were on our own.
Both times we where enough for each other. It made us have to be ok. There was no other choice.  

                                  To the mum's who are like me without a village :

• I know what it's like to wish you could just call someone over to watch the baby while you take a shower but have no one.
• I know what it's like being the first in your friend group to have a baby, no one understand & your lives go in different directions. It becomes hard work to keep them.
• I know you feel lonely and isolated.
• I know what it's like to never be able to go to the movies in the first two weeks of its release or ever!
• I know what its like to see 'romantic holidays for two' and think 'who'd watch the kids'?
• I know that even an occasional babysitter cost money, money that you may not have & its just  seems not worth it.  
• I know you might have family members who would help out if you made them but you don't because its not right, they are aged or live to far away. 

In time, we have made a few friends but not ones we would ask to have our children, we have settled into our community & our children are school age now so they are starting to have their own friends & social life, which in turn gives us some more time & space. That is the order of things when you get older and your children get older but we intend to have another child soon so we will be back,doing it all over again . I know crazy right !!

Not having a village has made me a good parent. Not that I am saying having a village makes you a bad one or even not as good a parent.
I just know for me I can now see what it has taught ME and how it has made me a good parent aswell as my husband.  I know about loneliness in motherhood. I learned that not all mums I met i could be friends with, also learning to keep trying to contact because one will come along who can be my friend.
I learnt that making friends when your old is hard work. But that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I learnt I can be enough parent for my children. I learnt to trust my own mother instinct, because when your stuck at home with a cry toddler - husband at work - you have to trust you know your child and whisper to yourself ' I can do this' because no one else is around to tell you.

Ultimately, it makes you think twice about having another child. Its hard lonely work. I had to wait and make sure I was ready because I know its just me who needs to be complete willing to take it on myself first and foremost as my husband is a great dad but it has and always will be me the main care giver. That's just how our marriage works & to think it will change is doing both of us a injustice ??

So no I don't have a village but I am ok with that ... mostly :)

teenagers need this

I just had a few words with the leader of the church I use to go to, about the youth group they where running but cancelled - now have started it back up again.
I don't go to that church anymore. I love God and pray every day. I am the only believer in my house.
It is hard for me to go to church on my own, for me church can be lonely.
But I also do not think like a lot of the people in churches. call me a half arsed Christian maybe but I don't care.
I look past peoples faults, their sins, be it gay or worshiping a goddess I will still sit at a table with you & become your best friend. I will never ask you to believe in God. I will never try to get you into church. I hate how people in churches can become snobs. They can be so out of touch with the real world and I believe churches should be out there helping and reaching the community .... Though seeing what someone (or a church ) does & acts like towards others; people may be able to find the Lord themselves.
I told one of the people at the church that had this youth group on Friday nights I felt it was wrong months ago when they cancelled the fun Friday nights youth group into a quiet bible study dinner that it seemed like they had given up on the youth in town.
Of course theses younger non believers wouldn't go to a bible study , that's not cool.
I know of 4 girls aged 13-15 that wouldn't go and now have no connection to the Lord. And I was shrugged off with some reason of no numbers high enough to have it run every week and so it changed & for the last couple of months only a couple of already Christian youth went to a dinner once a week. while the other teenagers had nothing to do with any church- one lost her mother & is now smoking & lost , another is sneaking out her window to be with an older boy, another is sexting and you cant tell me these kids don't need Jesus.
Yes they have parents or family but obviously have hard lives where if they had church youth leaders to talk to- to see once a week - where they could be off the streets and into a safe environment surly that is a good thing , right?
Its not just that my daughter was one of the ones who missed out but that I see once again another church only caring for its own.
Only care for the faithful, the believer, the poor children overseas.
I was told by others when I posted in a church forum

 ' we had a youth group but it ended up just a drop off for some kids , they didn't really want to be there and started causing trouble '  Umm well ok their not youth workers I get that but just ask them to leave until they want to act by the rules of the church. I don't see a problem with that do you ?
one women posted this -   It sounds like the other kids were only interested in the fun. Not the God bit. You dont want to trick people into God by telling them its fun because ultimatelt thats not what Jesus or the bible say about a belief in God. A small group will disciple the kids who love God to then be able to talk to and invite their friends
 And you know what a lot in the church think like that. Why not just put all your effort into 1 or 2 kids that you know will be come believers, then get them to bring in others and invite their friends to become believers . You know what the problem with that is? teenagers are group, pack animals and I am guessing that those 1 or 2 kids are not in any groups like the girls I listed above. they properly pick on those 1 or 2 teenagers. so their not going to get to church by an invite. 
They will go to church for a free meal, something to do on a Friday night, the promise of games or a bus trip to get take away. 
Its not tricking them, its not lairing. Teenagers are not dumb . They know its a church they know they will be asked to pray before a meal. 
And they will hear the prayers, they will see the caring leaders look past their faults and  weirdness they feel when people talk openly about God Because they have never heard people talk about the Lord like that .
Because its a whole new world for some of them, and they just want a way of sneaking in. The church is not tricking them its giving them an opening .They will take it but they may not want the rest of their friends thinking they are becoming a nun lol


I am not saying that this church youth group didn't have a real reason for stopping the youth group nights. They may not have the money or the leaders willing to help out .
I have asked before if I could help out but because I am not a regularly church going I was pushed off nicely - see another snob move . Now you see why I write what I do?
The actions is what people see. Its what I see and its what the teenagers see.
Lets make sure they see churches caring about then even if they are not a believer.  

To my Dear Daughter

I’ll teach you to clean so one day you’ll see, how incredible the feeling of accomplishment can be.
I’ll teach you good eating so one day you’ll feel, how strength and good health can be found in a meal.
I’ll teach you moderation so one day you won’t, know the pain from eating a whole cake, please, just please don’t!
I’ll teach you kindness so one day you’ll find, how lovely it is to be reciprocated in kind.
I’ll teach you self-worth so one day you’ll stand, and lift up your chin, while holding out your hand.
I’ll teach you to relax, but not just laze around, the world is so wide – possibilities abound!
I’ll teach you courage so one day you’ll say, just because it is, doesn’t mean it should be that way.
I’ll teach you to love so one day you’ll hold, your husbands gaze warmly, and see your lives unfold.
I’ll teach you morals so one day you’ll inspire, a new world of lives and fill their hearts with great fire.
I’ll teach you respect so one day you’ll know, how people acknowledge you, and help you to grow.
I’ll teach you humility so one day you’ll watch, and recognize those the same, those you can trust.
I’ll wish that I could teach you everything in the world, from skydiving, to French, to discovering pearls.
But I know you’re all grown now, your wings taken flight, the last thing you want is for me to teach you tonight.

So I’ll teach you one more, just one last thing, it’s the love that I have for you - That will always make my heart sing. 😘

 

 

 

 

Tough couple of weeks

I have had a really tough couple of weeks with some personal challenges - having problems with my marriage which is not a new thing as I don't believe in fair tails but my husbands depression amough other issues has been hard on me, physical health wise, teenager needing guidance & some hard parenting which is left up to me alone, financial pressures and all sorts of other challenges that are too numerous to go into detail with.

I am learning some big lessons through it though , As a message like this was shared with me I want to share my message now with you

One of them is to lean in to God in prayer and trust. OK don't roll your eyes if this is the first time you have worked out I believe in God Jesus and all of the above. I have been guilty of underestimating the power of prayer and trust before.  And whether it be God , Goddess, mother earth, nothing therefore mediation this blog post can still have something in it for you so please still read ... My faith is mine not yours and I understand that. This is my opinion so open your mind & read ....
When you are put in a position where prayer becomes your only hope and trust requires physical sacrifice that hurts, you learn to see how powerful both these things are.

I have seen God bless us and provide for us over and over again. Giving what little I have and putting my trust in Him has led to abundant blessings. We are by no means rich but it's amazing how God has stepped in at the right time and provided- fueling that little seed of trust to grow even bigger and stronger. Its only me know prays in this house but some nights I am the one sound asleep while my husband still worries. Faith is what helps me sleep.

Secondly, I got a picture of a forest near a creek. In the forest were lots of trees, some standing tall and beautiful, with branches full of bright green foliage. Other trees did not stand as tall or as beautiful, some near the creek with twisty knotted trunks and very little foliage. A great storm came and swept many of the tall, beautiful trees to the ground. All their energy had gone into growing them tall and beautiful on the outside. They looked healthy and strong but when the storm came, they had no roots to hold them strong to the ground. The ugly, twisty trees near the creek weathered the storm because the energy had gone into building strong roots and character. On the outside they looked unfortunate but even though they were battered, they stood strong in the storm.

When we are going through tough times, when God is testing us and refining us, it can look like a curse and we pray for God to take it away. What I have learnt is that one day I will look back on this time and thank Him for the enormous blessing of these lessons, for the opportunity to grow roots in the clay soil that when the storm comes I will stand true and weather it.

He gives and he takes away. Naked I came into this world and naked I will go, though through learning these tough lessons and growing character, I am storing up treasure- the type one CAN take to heaven and bless others with. Blessing doesn't always look like good health, money or relationships. Sometimes blessing is in the promises of God.

Marriage between a aspie & NT

So an ASPIE  is short for a person with  Asperger's Syndrome  NT means Neurotypical person. 
My sons therapist of many years brought my husbands syndrome to our attention last year since then a lot of stuff makes sense and we are both still learning about Asperger or as some like to say being on the spectrum.

My husband has always had his strange ways, weirdness we use to say. Things he liked or didn't like for reason that only made sense to him. He is not good with strangers or meeting new people, going to events where he can't just hide in the crowd, eye contact , confronting people unless hiding behind a phone or computer. 
And many more things that make life a bit harder like buying clothes because he doesn't like things around his wrist or only wears pants that are elastic waisted no belts ... Trust me it goes on with food oh my goodness don't get me started on the weirdness of his eating habits - no noddles or rice , no brown foods , doesn't like certain brands of things & left with no other choice but to have these things the reaction can be like a 4 year olds tantrum 
But he has a big heart, wanting and willing to help someone in need because that is the right thing to do Not wanting any praise or stand out reward also getting upset when a simple thank you is not given ( it's not a simple world he lives in ) 
His not good with showing his feelings or affections. Therefore it's hard for him to understand people sometimes and read Body language . It's hard for him to understand that I might just want a cuddle or a minute holding my hand, or make me a coffee but I have been told that can be a normal mere male thing but with all that he manages to keep me in love with him. 
He has a hobby to do with birds but it is pass the point of a normal hobby as it takes over his whole life , it is his obsession and his life would fall apart without it. It effects me and our children like many of the things above do as you can imagine so life is not easy with an aspie. It can be heart breaking, lonely, confusing and frustrating.
You spend so much of your time and energy caring for your ASH ,running around making sure that all those weird things above are or are not effecting them it's easy to forget about yourself. That last sentence can sum up life with an aspie. 
I've also found that when I get to that stage its when our marriage starts to fall about. I need to look after myself (see my other blog post on SelfCare) and he starts to say I am the one losing it, that I am crazy. I am the moody or cranky one. You know what? His right . Because if I havnt been caring for myself and I'm not ready & bracing myself for his impact upon my life I can't handle it and all those reactions come out so he see crazy wife come out. 
The worse thing that could have happened was years ago one doctor said I was bipolar and no matter how healthy I am, no matter how many other doctors or councillors say I am not ASH always brings that back up as his defence .
It always gets me to bite back . So yer we have our fights but I'm still here , I still love him. 
Just some days I wonder why ❤️ Then later I just smile as I remember a funny holiday or thing from our past and I know I'm not home unless I'm with him x 

Why write an ABOUT ME ?

As I have said before I am just using this blog as a way of getting things out of my system, so I didn't see a point in writing an About Me post/page like all the other mum blogs.

To be honest I've never really understood why they were needed, I mean am a pretty guarded person in some ways when am online. I don't want total strangers knowing what my favourite takeaway place is or how many kids go to the local school. Even worse I dold want someone I do know writing about me about stuff I wouldn't normally chose to tell them at that stage of our relationship I guess.
Putting yourself whole self out there online for anyone to see scares me a little.
But then I read on a group post on facebook about how a women found it one of the hardest things to do. I thought about it for a while & it became a big thing ..... it wasn't just write your details it is writing about you. Not what you are like a mum or a wife but about the person, the single human form.
 A writing about what defines you.
Describe yourself.                    Now this have been a challenge but a good one I needed to do.
This has been sitting in my drafts for over 4 weeks. I add bits and I take away bit ; filling it in a little at a time. It has made me contemplate who I am

I am in my late 30s and I have had two children with my husband. Never knew I wanted children until  it happened now I wouldn't have it any other way.
I grew up with horses. I enjoyed riding the and I was very good at it. I am sad when I think about it as I gave that part of my life up many many years ago and I know it's just not possible o have that back.
I like traveling and really like to take my time getting to and from places. More county places , places with a history I enjoying learning about. 
I'd and not much of a reader but when I find things - topics I'm interested in I'm happy to research it and find out more. 
I believe everyone no matter rich, poor, a famous good person or a bush ranger should be remembered and have the respect paid to them once they are gone. 
With the exception of major criminals. Family history should be kept and taken care of for the future and we should never forget where we come from.
I am passionate about remembering the Man, women and animals who died the Wars to eep us here safe at home and we should be feeling blessed every day .
Family is family and should be kept in contact, respected and never forgotten. Family is worth the effort.
So yer that's me. I like colouring in because I can't draw lol  I enjoy singing when no one can hear me and the one hing I'd love to do would be to buy a camper van and travel Austrailia .

Having a child with autism is like ......

As I sit here watching my Younger  son wander around the house making his noises that seem to calm him down I started thinking of writing this blog post...
And why I should write this. See I find it hard to call myself a 'parent of a special needs child'
Why you ask? I don't really know why. It's not like I hide the fact he was diagnosed with autism over 2 years ago or that he has teachers aids helping him at school. I'll tell anyone that ask about my son and his autism but I feel that because he is classed as High Functioning & not the 'classic ' autism child pictured in media and the like ,  I think others will look at me thinking I'm a lair or I'm one of those mums who think their child is so hard done by. So yes I worry what others will think but not think of my son - think of me as a person - as a mum.
Strange isn't it.
It's hard for parents of children who look on the outside as 'normal' but are vey differant to the main peers of their class. You can't always understand what you can not see I also find.
I know (for now at least at his age) he is accepted by his peers & adults at the moment.
 But maybe I am worry if I will be understood and other mums will accept that my child takes differant parenting skills & needs then their child.

I know Raising a ' special needs ' child (let's use that wording for this blogs sake) can challage everything you use to think about parenting.See after D day ( the day you got the conformation of diagnoses ...) you have to start looking at your child as differant to other children And its scary.
 See your dreams and aspirations you had for your child might not be possible , the child you have might end up living a wonderful full life but it's going to take a lot of work. And even know you can see how wonderful your child is & are so truely blessed to have a health child you, Can be scared and sadden by the fact of life that things will be harder for them.
Leaving you unsure of their future...
You have this natural instincts to wrap them up and protect them from the world outside...
Like all parents do.
But it's the constant fight that you have to keep up, the endless battle you are end to make sure your child is getting the help they need, to make sure they are given every opportunity , keep teachers and support workers doing their job so you child doesn't fall through the cracks. It's being your child's
advocate and it's a fight you will always be fighting. No matter how sick you get of it.
You want your child to be like others, you want invites to parties, sleepovers , you want kids to want to be friends with your child and not see their differances as weird.
What you don't want is t be holding your child in a dark bedroom under his bed while he crystal because he doesn't want to be weird, because he wanted to go to blakes sleepover party but knew he would feel overwhelmed & uncomfortable. That brings us to the next thing that is thrown at you - teaching your child that having Autism is ok now that can be the heart breaker.
 Can tell you that one thing is for such, I know I am going to cry for my child many many times over the next few years as he goes into primary school.

Example is my son wanted to play football as all his peers where doing. His dad loves football & it's a real tough sport that boys are meant to be good at right? Well that's how it played out in my sons head but it was just not meant to be. He spent more times spinning around in circles at the back them playing. He didn't want anyone to touch him and wouldn't tackle anyone because he didn't want to touch anyone. So as you can guess it wasn't the right sport for him . Lucky we made sure he didn't feel like he had failed but it's hard for him .
Another one is going to the aquarium with friends. Rushing though half of the place because it was dark,flashing lights,lots of people , noisy ( it was set up to be like an under water cave show) so he didn't get to see the sea horses or the big crabs everyone was talking about that afternoon because he couldn't handle the overload on his sensors.
See what I mean, my heart breaks for him.


As I said I have only been a parent for just over 13 years and a special need parent for less so I am still learning , I will end up teaching my son to proud and happy with who he is that I am sure of.
I love him no matter what and I see so many wonderful things, gifts he has that I have not told you about today Next time I will because he is a special little boy 😁

Self care - taking care of you

Why do we feel guilty when we do something for ourselves? when we take time out, get something only we enjoy or stop doing things for others so we can do something for ourselves .
Mothers are really good at feeling bad for wanting or needing selfcare.

It's exhausting being a mother, wife, daughter in law, friend, carer and all the other Hats that we put on everyday.
Why do we think we have to keep going?
In my opinion there is two different kinds of women
1. You think our families world will fall apart if you take time to do something for ourselves therefore don't find time. The I AM TO BUSY FOR THAT  or WHERE WOULD I FIND THE TIME.
2. Feel guilty for even thinking of doing something for yourself because you see it as a privilege not a right.

Call it guilt or just not seeing it as important it comes down to the way you think about the whole SelfCare thing .

How do you see it?

Parenting --- Wifely duties --- Work ---- Chores ---- Friendships

Even the friendships we put on the work list so to speak.The things we should be doing.
So why don't we place selfcare onto our list?

We need to change the way we think, taking care of ourself is not an extra thing it is something we need to do.
So we can continue to do all the other things on our list.
So make a little rule in your head now; one thing a week I am going to do that I want to do.Selfcare.
Ideas:
Tell everyone in your family you are off dutie on Wednesday night between 7-8pm and go read a bed in bed with some candle & chocolate
Bubble bath
Get some head phones , find your fav music and spend some time walking on the treadmill
Go for a drive, get drive thru and park at a river watching the ducks swim around for a while
Go to the movies or an event you want to see
Pay for a massage or get your nails done
Go get your hair done
Get up on Saturday morning and head to the markets by yourself enjoy wondering where you want :)
 Go enjoy xxx

Another baby really?

 

We decide over 8 months ago to try for another child, we didn't announce to family or friends, only a couple of close friends or the newer friends I've made at school pick up know (ill explain later why) If we are blessed to conceive it will be our 3rd child but 4th child for my husband.
We are looking forward to this next chapter in our lives

However, not everyone may shared in our joy.

“Don’t you have enough to do, hasn't your son got Autism?”

“Your kidding right?”

“Can you guys even afford another?”

“This couldn’t have been planned, right?”

“Wow, ok. Did you even want another kid?”

This is what we may hear................Still, whatever the reasoning, the criticism won’t catch us completely off-guard. In fact, it was something we had grown use to , with each of our other children we got this kind of reaction or mixed feelings.

When we told family about our first pregnancy, they just looked at us. Saying were too young and had our whole life ahead of us , like our life was over.  We had been planning the wedding. (which we had when I was 5mths along before I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress lol )

It seemed better with our 2nd as we had moved inter-state away from all family to start fresh, we didn't have to hear their comments only the ' you got to be kidding' and 'oh really oh well' from both our parents but it seems 'ok' as the thinking was our daughter will have a sibling to play with so that's normal traditional family planning right?.
Then you have my husband who had a child before I came along which doesn't live with us, that's 4 for him.

I have over the last couple of years brought up the subject with my family of a 3rd child. It seemed that people mostly mine & my husbands family just couldn’t get why we would want three children. The biggest thing for them to seem to juggle with is the fact we had a 7 year gap between our children, then I would be talking about a 3rd child 4 years after my last child.
It was like they seen us as DONE. Finished. Its been to long between children so you must be all done with that part of your life. So after a while we stopping bringing it up with family & close friends, another year went past and maybe we pushed it away partly because of all this but life went on all the same.

My maternal instincts would kick in when I cuddled a newborn at a party about a year ago, most of the time me & my husband didn't have the chance to be around any babies or children other then our 6 year old son & his friends. I came home upset & told my husband I wanted another child, guess what he had wanted one still also but was worried I didn't ,so he kept quiet.

So we are at the fun part my husband would call it of trying to conceive , not all fun and games for me as it comes with the worry that it won't happen or can't happen.
And then I have the age thing, once you hit 35 you move into other category as the doctor put it.
The level of risk get higher. Risk of something going wrong with me or the baby so that means extra tests and a whole new ball game for me this time around as my body is not what it use to be.
Even know I had 'normal' pregnancies and health babies in the past it's still a worry.
So back to the not telling people, well its never been like a scene out of a lovely movie where the grandparents jump up & hug you screaming with joy for us.
Both our parents have hurt me and my husband with their replies when we have told them of important things happening in our lives.
It hurts and we are both not looking forward to that happening again.
I have talked to a couple of my friends about our plans, people that we have meet here in our now hometown of 6 years & a close friend of mine who wishes now she had another child before it was to late for her.
Maybe its the country air but they all seem to have a laid back thinking that if its what we want it must be right and telling them we want more just seems lovely to them, its nice.
I really don't understand where the other peoples hurtful reactions come from, we are great parents, loving couple and I had to learn to let that go because if I keep trying to work others out I will go insane.
So yes they will find out when it is not possible to avoid anymore, but I will be guarded.
I'm guessing I will still get hurt by family this is something maybe this time around I won't stand for.
 

Taking all that out of the equation it is still 9 months of carrying to term, discomfort,  fatigue while trying to still work, my hormones will drive me and my husband crazy and after all that I will have this little person who will need me more then anyone. While I recover from the roller coaster of the last 9 month.
I feel like I haven't sleep since before my son started growing inside me almost 7 years ago, as he still has trouble going to sleep at night & wakes often during the night.

Yes I worry how me, my husband and my other two children at home will survive , how this next chapter in our lives will play out. But I look back on all the crazy life changes we have had and guess what ? we survived that.
I see we are in for a few more years of buying endless baby supplies, poos and screams.
 More sleepless nights & the house looking like a big baby bomb went off.

Are we really ready to go down this road again I ask myself sometimes, in those moments my son is screaming because he wants something and my teenager is sulking in her room.
Then I find myself sitting in those quiet times, the times I can hear my heart calling me. It reminds me of the joy I feel creating another wonderful soul to live as part of our family.
Breaking down that roller coast ride into different turns, dips and corners. Remembering the smiles, laughs, warm hugs.

Its like a gentle reminder, I'm not done yet. I feel like I have been on pause. There is a part of my heart ready to give. I remember looking at my little girl almost 14 years ago thinking 'there is no way I can love anyone or anything as much as I love you' I felt full, wonderfully I found out yes I could love another just as much....my son and now I know there is more love to give.
It's amazing how us humans work isn't it.

Of course would I love a bigger bank balance . Would I love a bigger house and I would love to travel without the baby carrier, cot, bottles, bags and stress of course.
I love my peaceful days when the kids are at school and I can get all the house work done, I have studied and gain better jobs. My life could be just starting again with older children and all this baby stuff behind me but you know what ? when I think of that I feel very lonely, not for me now left sitting at home waiting for the kids to come but lonely for the world, sad that another life could be here with us but has yet been given the chance.

There will be a time in my life to slow down, to be in a quiet house and when that time comes I will be ready. I am not ready yet.
I want a house full . FULL.
When I am old sitting in my nursing home room I want to be able to say I filled my life.
I filled my life with love, laughter, crying, stress, fun, heartbreak, worry, joy and know that I gave it my all.
Take the good with the bad they say.
Well I say just Take life! Don't end up sitting in that nursing home room with no one visiting, no one to call, no memories to look back on.
And if we do it right we will have those children calling us, visiting us and loving us for many many years to come xxx

On a bad day

Having a bad day? We can be having a bad day for many reason from heartbreaking life changing reasons or that the everyday things are just not going your way today
I have had many bad days but I always have survived them ALL or I wouldn't be here typing this.
Yes sometimes we are scared from our battles and yes it can feel like a fight, like a war for some people. I understand this to well
I don't think my little blog post is going to help anyone win that battle but I do want to say ' you are not alone'
Many people go through bad times, many people battle & odds are that some one out there has it worse then you. Yep I said it, your battle may be great or small but one thing is guaranteed SOMEONE out there has a much bigger battle going on.
That is just a fact of life and if you can tell yourself that on those bad day maybe that will help you get up dust yourself off and keep going. I know it helps me. If others is such bad battles of both physical & spiritual battles can dust themselves off I CAN.          I should!

You want an example just to get it into your head? Ok then here we go....
Your husband is an arsehole, never helping out, treats you like a servant & your kids are starting to treat you the same way. You agonies about what to do.
FLIP THE COIN
A wife is waiting at home for her husband to come back from work but instead the police come to the door to tell her he & the children have died in a car crash. she is alone.

See if that doesn't put things into prospective for you. I could go on but really it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that out & many more examples in your head.
Now I am not saying do it yourself, Go get help. Ask a friend, a workmate or ring a helpline if you need too.
Get all the help that is out there, you deserve it.


But If all you need is to reset your way of thinking please reread my post ... imagine yourself walking on the beach on a nice sunny day ...
Are we the most extraordinary strong, brave, resilient humans
Every day in some way we
*Face rejection ... and refuse to be daunted.
*We Contemplate loneliness others overwhelmed lack of space and we join a group or support others  somehow because we can
*We are hurt and we cry ... but choose (mostly) to learn greater understanding and compassion from the experience.
*We fall apart, curse, scream and moan ... but we pick ourselves up and get on with life just the same.

We are amazing! Don't ever let anyone tell you you're not strong, clever and resourceful ... and if they do, don't believe them.
Hugs to all you beautiful ladies & men, no matter where you're at.
May something truly beautiful come your way today to remind you that life's a bitch ... but it's also a miracle xxx
If all else fails, enjoy my favourite beach 😊 stare at it and just BREATHE

Queensland Australia

is this my messy house?

So my house is a mess of course it is I have two children and two adults living in it every day.
And only one person who cleans it ME . I got cranky and had a tantrum yesterday because of the mess in the lounge room I had just cleaned hours before 😡
My house is small, old, unfashionable some would say middle class and you know what I love it.
We are not a family living in a designer home with beautiful magazine looking rooms.
We live in a small town, in a country street, lovely neighbours ,in a rental house, with a bedroom for each child, a cosy bedroom for us parents , some aged furnitune but I love my new lounge suite I got us for Christmas ,  large backyard with many pets so yes it's messy our lives are messy and I won't hide that by placing some magazine style photo on my blog .

Anyway back to my messy lounge room.
My husband just let me carry on and he understands that the mess stresses me out. But he is no help with keeping the house clean or making the kids clean up after themselves but you can't tell him that .
If you do he will just come back with a small list if things he has done to help out in the last couple of days ( some not even to do with in the house cleaning ) and then he will come up with the " it's not my mess it's the kids " Why do men seem to think that if it is not their own mess it's not their problem
Last time I check this was his family, he does not work full time we are equal in our house .
So please don't get me wrong. I do think that if one parent works full time or more then the other the house cleaning and up keep should be shared or given to the less working parent (housewives and housedads)
But that is not our case. We both have our own work which most the time ends up being equal that is a good balance we found works for our marriage. Just not maybe for my house lol
Now yes my husband has some different quirks because he has a high functioning form of Autism but I think this problem can be put down to a normal Husband problem right ladies?

So I have made a test, just a little experiment lets say- I did not touch / clean one part of my lounge room for 5 days. (counting from the day I cleaned it as part of my normal household duties.
I took photos, not at any stage of this weekday & weekend time did ANYONE of the adults or children in the say anything about it being like this................. would they just live in this mess if I wasn't here? scary (I may edit this once , if ever , someone talks about this to me but I am not going to say one word.




This is a space on my small lounge room floor

I made Pictionary

Yes I made a home-made version of Pictionary.

As I was typing, printing, laminating, cutting & sorting over 2 hours I had a lot of time to think.

Yes I was happy to do the work, it was for me, my husband & children to be able to spend some time together. Bonding time.

A mother is happy to put in the hard yards most the time because we love our family and we feel its our job. I seem to pick to do thing even when I know its more work even when I know there is an easier way I still choose to do it and that is the point I need to remember, as im sitting there cutting away........ I choose to do this no one made me.

 That step is a good one not to skip because when you go to play the game or go to show your family your hard work and they don't pay you the attention or give you the feedback you wanted you should remember You choose to do it .

This does not mean they should not be polite, thankful for your effort but sometimes our loved ones just don't GET IT .

We sit there all upset wondering why the hell we did this wonderful hard work for our family only to have them not reward you for it with kind words or a thank you. Yes its true we all need to be nicer sometimes thinking of others & the work that they do for us but we also should be responsible for our own happiness.

If you take something on, then you take on the responsibility right? that's what you tell your kids isn't it?

well what do you tell them when they do a good job or help someone, even try to help and it doesn't turn out well? You tell them its ok, they know they done well so that's what's important, that they are wonderful just for doing it, that is doesn't matter if people don't act gracious because you know you done good.

So why don't we as mothers take our own advice? why do we get upset when we don't get a thank you? Ok well apart from it feeling like it happens hundreds of times a day sometimes which I feel like many time each year depending what stage our children, marriage or work is in.

Yes us mum's run around caring for everyone & goodness knows we do deserve a thank you I'm NOT saying that.

We are under appreciated a lot by our families because 'mum will do it' thinking takes over their brains.

Ok my point is Make yourself happy every now & then. Don't do the hard yards burning yourself out.

Us women will just keep going and going because we are MUM'S.

Take care of yourself. Do something that you want to do.

Big or small it doesn't matter. Something to reward yourself for all the labour of love you do each and every day.

P.S  after I had make the cards for Pictionary, cleaned up the house, made lunch for kids & husband, finished typing this I went down the street brought myself a yummy coffee & parked for 10mins near the park enjoying. Now that's what I'm talking about lol

 

 

Lets get serious for a minute (A minute i promise) Do You Have Kids? Being a parent in this device filled world means its your job to know about technology & keep them safe until they are grown ups because after all we are 'raising them'

  RAISING by definition is lift or move to a higher position or level to increase the amount, level, or strength of . To do this you have to watch over them, guide them, protect them & teach them.

My teenager has an iphone. We paid for it, we pay her money if she has done well & helped out her family in some way so she can get credit, she lives under our roof and we have full access to her phone. This is the way I believe it should be, of course just because I can go looking at all her message's on facebook does not mean I do. The knowing I can is what helps her feel watched over & cared about also we have rules set in place about being online she has to stick to them.
And yes if I think something is up I will go read her stuff but if I don't need to talk to her about it I won't, I mean really I don't need to get in the middle of her & jane talking about how billy said this thing & that thing about another girl  - I'd rather keep out of that thank you lol

       IPAD/IPHONE/ ANDROID ~~~~~ Mr J.Canon a social media expert warns that these apps can expose teenagers to a global playground for criminals.

“The internet is a pedophile’s paradise, whether people want to acknowledge that or not,” said Canon.
Snapchat, an instant photo sharing app where the image “erases” after a certain number of seconds, requires a minimum age of 13 – however, users can easily enter a fictitious birthdate.

Next on the list is Tinder, an online dating app where users swipe “yes” or “no” on photos of strangers and chat with them.

'Ask FM 'rounds out Canon’s top three. It's an anonymous question and answer site that is notorious for cyber bullying.

Yik Yak – This App is one of the most dangerous. It allows users to post text-only “Yaks,” or messages, of up to 200 characters. The messages have no filter and can be viewed by the 500 Yakkers who are closest to the person who wrote the Yak, as determined by GPS tracking.

Kik Messenger – This is a private messenger app and is coveted by those under 18 for a number of reasons. The App allows kids to send private messages that their parents can’t see. This app also allows users to identify themselves by a made up username, posing the dangers of anonymity. To make matters even scarier, third party websites allow users to search for people based on things like age and gender. There is very little you can do to verify the identity of someone on Kik, which obviously poses the risk of sexual predators chatting with your child. And again, this is an easy tool for sexting.

Officer Chuck Collier of the Dublin Police Department agrees that these apps create chaos.
“We call it keyboard courage,” Collier said. “If I’m not talking to you face-to-face, I say a lot meaner things."
Collier also points out that anonymity can play a troublesome role as well. Video chat Omegle is another app that could lead to trouble. Collier points out that its claims of anonymity are a problem.
“You don’t know who you’re talking to. It could be somebody down the street, or it could be a 50-year-old pedophile in Arizona,” Collier said.
Please learn more about what your child has on their devices
Just google best safe apps for children there is so much you can learn and once you think you know everything it will all update and have changed ...... so go do it again

Teenagers and risk taking

Do you remember sneaking off when your parents didnt want you to go out with a friend? Do you remeber jumping that wild river bed with your friends praying you didnt fall in & break a leg?
Then you know how teenagers serach for their identities through the process of risk-taking. And her is my thought on it all.........
We know changes to the limbic system of the brain cause teens to seek risk, challenge, and emotional stimulation. While some parents fear this phase of a ch...ild’s life, it’s really quite natural. And it’s a time to be embraced as a positive transition to adulthood. But yes it will drive you insane as a parent ,looking into it more i was reading this thing about not stopping it or controling it but families that are involed in activitves that stimulate that part of the childerns brain to help with later older teenager behaviours like getting drunking , partying, smoking, and sexual experimentation.
This risk-taking can is equally associated with positive activities, like mountain climbing,Hard bush walking, camping or other outdoor things the teenager has not done often in their live up til now, community service, politics, faith groups, and other experiences that can push young people out of their comfort zones and reward them handsomely.

 

When young people learn to overcome challenges and meet risk head on, they learn to be resilient. They can learn that exploration beyond their comfort zones often leads to unexpected rewards like Happiness, life purpose, and well-being. They develop courage, curiosity, self-confidence, and persistence.

 I callage you to reshape the idea that teen risk-taking is always negative, to get out there & help your teen or even tween to start LIVING.
Who better to travel this with them then you? well for now anyway until they tell you to walk behind them or drop them off at the corner before their friends see you but by then your work with this above will hopefully be mostly done & you can move onto the next teenager stage smile emoticon Good luck & just breath.